I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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