you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
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Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
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Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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