You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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