um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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