I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
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His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.