two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
