You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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