I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
How's work?
Spinning.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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