We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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