I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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