I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I need to sanitize my soul.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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