Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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