i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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