im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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