Yo dont text me then not text me
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
