I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
