I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
