I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
