the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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