Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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