Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
