When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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