I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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