My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
