I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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