Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
