now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Boobs are out for the taking
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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