please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
