I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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