So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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