Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
