we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
The pigeons can smell the fear
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.