Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.