Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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