what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
