theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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