I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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