I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
