If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
