I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
