I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize