'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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