Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
