If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
FUCK WHALES
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
