Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
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It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
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Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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