We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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