Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
