I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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