I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
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Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize