Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
