mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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