I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
