today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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