God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
