I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
