dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
