So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
